How to Choose Your Lifestyle

A lifestyle refers to the way a person chooses to live.  Everyone who is alive has a lifestyle.  Not everyone, however, has the lifestyle they want.  Some people are in a situation they wish they could change.  Others live the same lifestyle as their parents, and have never thought twice about it.  Some people are right where they need to be (why are you reading this blog if you have all the answers?).  

Here's some examples of lifestyles:

1. Urban Lifestyle - This refers to people who like to live in the city.  Maybe they are attracted to walk-ability, public transit, entertainment, coffee shops, or an abundance of STEM jobs.  Perhaps they like the hustle-and-bustle of high population density areas or the people watching that comes with it.  Regardless of the reason, many people adore city living and sitting in traffic.
2. Rural Lifestyle - Conversely, some people want wide open spaces, a few cows, and some crops.  Maybe they really like that Kenny Chesney song about tractors, too.
3. Active Lifestyle - You know the gym bro types.  They want to be exercising all the time and getting their max bench press up to 400 lbs.
4. Healthy Lifestyle - These are the types that can't wait to tell you the cake you are eating is bad for you.  Just kidding, but really it isn't good for you.
5. Minimalist Lifestyle - If you bring your date back to your apartment and they think you've been robbed because there's nothing inside, you might be a minimalist.  Or, maybe, you should call the cops...
6. Bohemian Lifestyle - They like art, rejecting tradition, and communal living.  These are the people that smell bad and work at your local record shop.  
7. Nomadic Lifestyle - These people live in a van down by the river.  This is by choice, not because they can't live in an apartment.  They want the freedom to go wherever they want whenever they want.  The increase in remote work has made the phrase "digital nomad" mainstream.  Thank you, COVID!
8. Sustainable Lifestyle - You do things to reduce your carbon footprint and recycle.  Then you tell everyone about it.
9. FIRE (Financially Independent Retire Early) - Basically, if you are an overpaid STEM worker and can live on less than half of what you make, you won't have to work for very long.
10. Family-Centered Lifestyle - Do you like kids?  Do you want a wife?  This is the choice for you.

There's literally thousands of different ways of living.  Since we've established that our purpose in life is to survive, it is up to us to choose how to do this.  The meaning we get from life comes from the lifestyle we choose.  Why?  If we choose to live a life that is authentic to our values, goals, beliefs, and attitudes, then we are going to find life meaningful.  If we try to be someone we don't want to be life is going to seem meaningless, and survival won't be a pleasant experience.

Let's say that you really love to travel.  When you aren't on the road you feel anxious, like you are missing out on life.  If you are trying to live a traditional life where you own a home and have a 9 to 5 office job, you are going to feel like a fraud.  But, if you bought a travel van and found a way to make money freelancing, then you would be able to travel all the time.  All of the sudden life becomes more meaningful; because, you aren't trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole.

If we go further with this example, we can imagine that the core values of someone that likes to travel might be autonomy, freedom, novelty, and adventure.  They might set goals like:  saving for an RV or van, finding a remote job, and getting a passport.  Their daily routine might revolve around developing habits to allow them to accomplish each step of the process.

This is how you build a meaningful life.  Figure out what mode of living makes the most sense for your personality, values, and beliefs.  From there it becomes relatively easy to set some goals and habits.  As you accomplish things you will feel better about yourself and your attitude towards life will improve.  Your relationships will also improve; because, you will attract people into your life that share your desires.  

The worst thing you can do is continue being something you don't want to be.  People that do that die while the body is still warm.

   

Error Of Category

Relationships often suffer from poor communication and through the use of our faculties of reason we can figure out where we go wrong.  One area that is often misunderstood is the realm of categories.  We discuss ideas relative to an understanding of the category that contains them.  If we say someone is acting altruistically, then we are signifying that they possess certain qualities associated with the category of altruism.  Granted, altruism has a specific definition, but there is an interpretation of behaviors and actions that goes along with that definition.  There is space for judgment as to whether someone has acted in accordance with the altruistic archetype.  People run amok when they describe their actions using inaccurate language.

Let’s look at an example that shows how errors in categories can cause confusion. A man, we’ll call him John, has fallen on hard times—losing his job.  After several months of unemployment he is evicted from his apartment and calls on a family member, we’ll call him Peter.  Peter says, “Sure, you can stay with me as long as you need.”  About a week later both people attend church, where Peter tells a friend that poor John has fallen on hard times and will be staying with him for a while. A few weeks go by and Peter asks John to help him remodel his bathroom, since John is staying there rent free.  A few more weeks go by and Peter begins charging John rent, saying, “You can pay me back when you land a job.”  Still, more time goes by and John finally lands a job, he now owes Peter $2,000 in back rent.  

Did Peter behave altruistically, charitably, or was it something else?  Altruism is an unselfish concern for the well-being of others.  This means that you help others even if there is no direct benefit to you.  Charity is very similar to altruism in the sense that it is a benevolent act, but it can have motivating factors that provide a benefit to the person performing the act.  An example would be donating some furniture and getting an itemized receipt for your taxes.  

In the case of Peter, the situation started out as an altruistic endeavor.  John did not have adequate shelter, which is considered a basic human need and Peter provided it, no questions asked.  Peter then chose to start telling people about how he was helping John.  This elevates Peter’s status in the eyes of other people in his church community.  This shifts his act from one with a purely altruistic nature to one with a more charitable nature, since Peter is benefiting with regards to reputation.  

As time goes by perhaps Peter doesn’t think John is trying hard enough to find a job or maybe he sees an opportunity to get some extra help.  Regardless of the reasoning, the act of benevolence starts to resemble a type of employment.  I’ll give you room and board if you help me remodel this bathroom becomes a tacit agreement.  Except, John isn’t really a free agent.  He has fallen on hard times, so he can not afford to tell Peter no.  Of course Peter knows this.  Now, this doesn’t mean Peter is being nefarious.  What it means is that whatever initially motivated Peter to help John is no longer enough to “compensate” him for his kindness.  Maybe John is more than willing to help with the job (and it has become a job due to the exchange of value and compensation) or maybe he would rather continue filling out applications, visiting employment agencies, and going on interviews.  After the remodel job is complete, Peter decides that the relationship should shift again to one of tenancy.  After all, he reasons that he has spent money on utilities, food, and other supplies that John has used.  It is only justified to expect repayment of some kind for the troubles.  The only problem is John has no money and Peter doesn’t want to give him the boot because he doesn’t want John going around telling people that he kicked him out.  So, Peter calculates what the rough estimate of costs would be and then tells John you can pay me back when you get on your feet.  This creates a kind of informal contract between the two (formal if written down).  

Once John has found a job he is left feeling confused about the whole experience.  On the one hand he is grateful he didn’t have to sleep on the street or live at a shelter.  On the other hand, he feels like Peter sought to profit from the situation after promising to help without specific conditions.  Profit isn’t really compatible with charity, as John sees it.  While this example may be somewhat absurd, I think we can all agree that we have experienced these kinds of situations and we ask ourselves where did things go wrong?  Why do we feel badly about a situation that we should feel good about?

I would argue that a great deal of disagreements come from poor communication that results from an error of category.  We say we are going to act a certain way that has a universal definition, but we realize after the fact that we don’t actually want to act that way or can’t afford to act that way.  The situation would have been made a lot better if Peter had said, “Sure you can stay with me.  I’ve got a project I need help with and when you can I’ll need some rent.  Are you OK with that?” By being upfront about the situation all parties are on the same page.  Most of our interactions are conditional, so it makes sense to clearly outline the conditions from the beginning.  

When we think about acting virtuously we need to remember to only promise what we can deliver and to be authentic in our actions, regardless of whether we are in a position of power or not.  This is what it means to act in a magnanimous way.

You Are Asking The Wrong Question

I see people getting hung up on meaning and purpose.  These two ideas aren't the same.  Usually, when people talk about meaning, they are wanting their life to have meaning on some cosmic scale.  The truth is that we have no evidence our lives mean anything on a cosmic level. We can certainly give our lives meaning, just like we can define any other object or thing that is around us.  Purpose on the other hand is usually seen as something we discover or something that we create.  Some religious people might say that they have discovered their life purpose, which God gave them.  Some more existentialist types might say that they have taken responsibility for their lives and created their own purpose.  In summary:

• Purpose is something you discover or create that acts as a compass for your life.  It usually answers a why question for you life.
• Meaning is a definition you create that acts as an explanation for the actions you take in life.

The truth is that we can't really manufacture or discover a purpose.  We can only define our lives within the spectrum of our personal experiences.  I can't experience everything the world has to offer, so I'm making my choice regarding my life purpose on limited data.  But, even if I could experience everything, this paradox of choice would likely lead me to question whether or not I was making the right decision.  How could one know if they chose the correct purpose?  It isn't as if it is a falsifiable experiment. 

At best we can just create a life where we are deluded into thinking something supernatural gave us purpose or we choose a purpose for ourselves, which will be impermanent.  What is our purpose?  What does life mean?  I think we are asking the wrong questions about life.  On a biological level, we are all humans.  Each human has a decision to make.  Do they choose to live or do they reject life?  For all of us that choose to live, our purpose in life is obvious and universal.  If we choose to live then we are choosing to survive.  Further, if we choose to create life by having children, then they become part of our purpose.  

Survival and/or replication of our species is our purpose.  And with that decision comes every aspect of life that could provide meaning for us.  Whether that meaning lies in our work, family, or something else.

How we choose to survive becomes more of a cultural question, rather than a cosmic one or one that we create purely on our own.  The society we live in has a culture (as well as sub-cultures).  So, the design of our lifestyle and the meaning we take from it becomes a matter of choosing how we make a living each day and provide for our needs, as well as the needs of our family (should we decide to have a family).  The actions we take on a daily basis are much better than thinking too abstractly about this.  You can end up running down the rabbit hole when it comes to trying to find purpose or meaning.  The truth is you already have a purpose and you can define a meaning for anything.  So, choose the culture of life that you feel most connected to and start living that way.  This will help you to feel better since you will be taking action and aligning life with your values.